Cut scene #1 - The Blowjob That Never Was

& There was that one time where they tried to have sex without talking. It did not go great but there’s a blowjob and feelings.

 

He kissed Josh's neck and then his collarbone and Josh's fingers on his arms loosened their hold after a moment so he could keep going south. He pushed Josh's shirt up, uncovering his nipples and flicking his thumbs at them to make him gasp.

And then he was on Josh's belly, flat and hard and with a trail of dark blonde hair thickening as it went down. Ray kissed him softly and his shoulder pressed against his lover's cock, making him thrust hard enough Ray had to dig his fingers in to stay in place.

“Sorry,” Josh gasped from above him. “Just...”

Ray paused, glancing up but Josh was shaking his head. “No, just... sorry. I'm... please?”

He was beet red and his eyes were shining with desperation. For a moment, Ray wondered what it’d take to make him beg.

But it wasn't the right time. He unbuttoned the jeans, making sure to touch as little as possible and then unzipped him. His scent was overwhelming from this close, salty and thick and Ray knew what he'd taste like but he'd never got to look at a man's face as he made him fall apart this way. That was new, he reminded himself.

Josh had his elbows under him and was watching Ray like nothing else in the world existed in that moment. It was a heady feeling. He could… He bent his neck just enough to brush his lips against the cotton of Josh’s boxers and a full body shiver went through the man under him, a moan half bitten down on that seemed to go all the way down to Ray’s bones. He did it again, a little more firmly and Josh whimpered and fell onto his back. He was breathing heavily and the cloth was wet even before Ray gave into his curiosity and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to it.

He startled, raising his head as he heard cloth rip. “Jeans,” Josh hurried to explain and Ray saw that he’d pulled hard enough on the pocket as to half rip it off.

“You want…” He wasn’t sure what he was offering. He didn’t exactly want Josh’s hands on him instead, but…

Josh shook his head and reached for a pillow wedged between him and the side of the sofa and put it under his head to prop himself up. “Hand?” he asked, pupils blown but still so…

Protective. In control.

And it was what Ray needed, but it wasn’t what he wanted.

He didn’t want it to be this hard. He didn’t want Josh to have to make an effort to be with him. But he’d promised. He offered his left hand for Josh take and his friend groaned like holding Ray’s hand was an indescribable relief. Ray used his dominant hand to pull Josh’s boxers out of the way, letting his cock spring free, hard and proud, shining in the low light of the television and almost didn’t feel it as Josh squeezed his hand hard enough to break a human’s fingers.

“Ray,” Josh begged. It hadn’t taken that much, and Ray hadn’t even been trying. “I— Can you…”

And Ray took the head into his mouth just so he wouldn’t say something stupid, or soppy, because how in the moon did Josh manage to remember to make it a request even when… It was warm and silky and it pulsed in his mouth even as Josh crushed his hand and swore. Ray brought his right hand to hold the base and Josh gasped like he was being stabbed. It was easier like that, slurping a little as he learned how to suck without choking, trying to time his breathing so he could stay a little longer, go a little deeper. He lifted his torso and overdid the depth, only his weight seeming to keep Josh in place him and as he pulled back to swallow some of the spit dripping down his chin, his friend’s voice broke on his name. “I… I need to… Can you use your hand?”

Ray glanced up in surprise, half disappointed, half relieved. It wasn’t bad and he liked how good it was for Josh, but he was also a little worried by how long it was taking. Josh was doing his best not to thrust but if Ray’s poor fingers were anything to go by, it was costing him. He nodded and circled his tongue around the head and tightened his grip and brought his hand up at the same time.

Josh couldn’t hold back then and it was fortunate that Ray’s grip on his other hand was firm enough to bring his head up with the movement or he would have choked. Josh forced his hips down again at once, already babbling apologies but Ray didn’t want to hear them, he yanked his hand away and gripped Josh’s hip instead, sucking hard one more time and then bringing his hand up to rub his thumb over the mix of his spit and Josh’s precome. Josh was half bent over him, still talking, when Ray met his eyes and he went completely silent, mouth gaping open and body frozen in place as his orgasm hit him so suddenly his gaze went hazy. Ray was so absorbed with the way his features went slack that he didn’t realise how close he still was as Josh’s cock erupted in his hand. He closed his eyes just in time but no amount of reflexes could get him far away enough from the copious amounts of alpha seed. Some of it got past his parted lips, salty and sticky and strangely, tasting the way Josh smelled. He let go, scrambling to his knees and rubbing his forearm against his eyelids.

His eyes were tearing trying to get it out and he was too confused—going from his lustful powertrip to unexpected pain—to do much good until Josh took hold of his wrists. “Stop, you are just rubbing it in.”

Ray stopped, squeezing his eyes hard and swallowing past the sting.

“You need to wash,” Josh said, and walked him to the closest toilet with his eyes closed, then checked the water was tepid before making him wash his hands and then open his eyes inside his cupped palms.

Ray blinked at him and Josh passed him a hand towel. He looked so regretful he didn’t even need to say anything but he was clearly going to. “Don’t,” Ray asked.

Josh pressed his lips together. “Do you want me to…?” He glanced down Ray’s body.

Ray grimaced, then laughed. “Right now? Not really.” He blinked again, trying to make sure his eyes were really clean and Josh stepped closer and cupped his face, tilting it to the light.

“Look up,” he asked, and Ray followed his instructions until he decided it was enough. “It should feel okay in a few minutes. Or we can get Alec—”

Ray stepped away. “No way in hell we are getting Alec.”

“He wouldn’t—”

“I know he wouldn’t mind. Or he wouldn’t say he minded anyway, even if he was in the middle of getting a blowjob himself. But I’m not telling Gabriel I got come in my eye unless I can’t stand the pain. Seriously, it barely itches.”

Josh’s mouth was twitching a little and Ray gaped at him. “Are you smiling about this?”

“I’m sorry?” Josh asked. “I just—”

“You owe me one,” Ray warned him.

Josh rolled his eyes at him. “Is that supposed to be a bad thing?”

Ray scoffed and shoved him out of the toilet. “Get me some snacks, I’m choosing the movie now.”

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Shock Therapy

 

 

 

Notes: This is by no means advice on how to deal with sexual trauma of any kind (which, surprisingly, I’m not qualified to give). It is simply what makes sense for Ray in his particular circumstances, where the lack of control is a key feature of his trauma. I needed to write this scene after Josh refuses to be Ray’s first alpha because I figured there was no way Ray was just going to wait around for him to change his mind, not when heat is coming his way sooner rather than later. This contains spoilers for books 1, 2 and 3 and it takes place in between the first and second halves of book 3 and 4. Ideally, you want to read this after book 4 or after part 1.

 

 

 

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“Ray?” Sergi stared at him and Ray had to concentrate to keep his hand from shaking where he was holding onto Sergi’s forearm. His alpha’s eyes snatched on his hold before coming up his face. Ray could feel himself blushing. Sergi glanced at the drawing on the desk. “Did I smudge it or something?”

Ray shook his head. “I—I need…” Sergi’s eyes widened but he didn’t interrupt. “I want to be okay. I need to be okay. For…” He looked down. He didn’t even want to think about heat, much less talk about it. “Can you…?” He pulled a little on Sergi’s arm, not enough to actually move him closer but enough to be felt and understood.

“You want me?” Sergi asked, sounding shocked. Ray looked up. “It’s just… I mean, well, Josh?”

Ray took his hand away and put it over his eyes, exhaling. Of course Sergi would ask about Josh.

“Josh… Josh is complicated,” Ray explained, thinking of his best friend’s combination of utter devotion and unshakeable belief that Ray needed to talk about what had happened to get over it. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to know. No, he needed to know. Because there was no way back, and what was it they said? The only way out is through. And Josh couldn’t help him through this—he was too… too close, too involved. “And I—I can’t trust myself right now, and I don’t want to… Look, it doesn’t matter.” He met Sergi’s eyes straight on—a challenge both for the man and the alpha wolf. “You said you wanted me, before. So…”

“I did—I do,” Sergi said at once, like he was worried Ray would change his mind if he didn’t make it clear at once. Technically, Ray had options. In reality, he had barely been able to bring himself to do this once. “But... What are you asking me, exactly?”

“Kissing,” Ray almost spat. “I want… I want to see if I’m okay with kissing.” And then, as if his brain had suddenly got turned on, he realised he’d forgotten a small detail. “Oh, is it Iesu? You think he won’t—”

“Iesu?” Sergi interrupted, sounding almost amused. “No! We… Ray, he’ll probably be jealous you didn’t ask him.” Now he sounded a little smug.

Ray raised an eyebrow at him. He was pretty sure Sergi was joking, but… “What if I ask you not to say anything?”

Sergi sighed, then shrugged. “Then I guess I’ll have to take what I can get.” He leaned towards Ray, bracing his left hand on the back of Ray’s chair. He wasn’t touching Ray at all but his dark eyes were so intense that it still made Ray swallow, a shiver running down his back. “Bit of a hardship, making out with a gorgeous guy, but I did sign up for it.”

Ray’s heart was going a mile a minute. He thought it was excitement and his dick seemed to agree, but he still couldn’t forget why he’d decided to ask for this. “You have… I need you to be careful.”

Sergi nodded. “No hands?” he offered.

Ray shook his head. “No, just… don’t push me down.” He’d looked away but he still felt Sergi flinch. He didn’t comment. It was as much as Ray could ask for; maybe he’d been too self-involved to notice the alphas were freaked out by what had happened too but after seeing Josh almost cry… “And… I don’t know, pay attention.”

“Okay,” his mate said, voice heavy and serious.

And Ray leaned in and pressed their lips together. His hand ended up pressed to Sergi’s sternum, heart thumping underneath like it wanted to jump right into Ray’s palm, and he put his other hand on Sergi’s face to tilt his face a little. The surge of want that went through him at the contact almost shocked him into stopping, but Sergi’s lips were already parting for his tongue and he was too distracted to be worried. Sergi made a noise into his mouth and pulled on Ray’s chair hard enough to almost unseat him. Ray went with the move and climbed onto his lap, making him moan even as the chair he’d been holding onto clattered to the ground. Sergi was straining his neck a little—he was taller than Ray but not by enough to make this position comfortable for kissing—but what made Ray stop was realising he was the only one holding on.

He planted his feet on the floor more firmly before leaning back. Sergi’s eyes fluttered open.

 “You can touch me,” he repeated.

Sergi was panting a little, but he nodded, keeping his eyes on Ray’s face as he gently placed his hands on Ray’s hips. Ray gave himself a moment but it was fine; he’d asked for it and he’d been ready. And he knew it would stop the moment he said so.

Sergi glanced down, licking his lips, and Ray squirmed a little. He wasn’t ashamed of being hard—more like the opposite, when he’d been so worried he wouldn’t be able to feel aroused at all outside of heat. But he wasn’t quite sure he wanted Sergi to touch him there. Not yet.

“Um, I don’t think this chair can handle this,” Sergi said, turning to look at Ray’s bed.

“Oh, okay, I…” Ray stood up, taking Sergi’s hand from his hip and pulling him along towards the bed. “Just sit down there.”

Sergi did as he was told, putting his palms down on the duvet and waiting patiently while Ray decided. In the end, he just walked up to him and straddled him again, bending his knees on each side of his thighs and curving his own back so that it wasn’t such a strain for their mouths to meet. Sergi hummed his pleasure, then put his left hand on Ray’s hip again. Ray tightened his legs and kissed him harder, chasing his tongue and… Sergi let out a little sound of surprise as he fell backwards. Ray fell right onto him, catching himself with his hands on his shoulders.

He was about to ask if Sergi was okay when his alpha started laughing. “Sorry, just…”

Ray rolled his eyes at him. “So much for having the strength of three humans,” he commented wryly.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not subjected to gravity!” Sergi protested, and then his eyes widened as Ray stretched atop him, pressing their groins together. He watched Ray like he thought he might have a weapon hidden somewhere. No, not a weapon because it wasn’t fear on his face, it was hunger. Ray pushed his left knee between Sergi’s legs, letting his weight pressed their cocks more firmly together. His alpha shuddered under him, letting out a half-swallowed whimper. He was beautiful like this—sweaty and a little desperate—and apparently Ray’s wolf didn’t give a fuck about proper omega behaviour at the moment. He didn’t feel faint and loose; he felt powerful and electrified.

“Um, kissing?” Sergi asked, eyes fluttering open.

Ray smiled at him and licked his lips, rolling his hips and managing to keepi his expression neutral even as it sent a rush of ecstasy from his cock to his toes.

“You are not touching me,” he pointed out, relishing how evenly he’d managed to speak despite how desperate he was to just go for it.

Sergi seemed confused for a moment and then his hands came around Ray to his hips, and, after a slight hesitation, slid down to cup Ray’s arse and pull him closer. This time, they both groaned—Ray was too surprised to keep it back. He leaned in to kiss Sergi, burying the sounds of their pleasure between their mouths as their hips took up a steady if somewhat clumsy rhythm of their own accord.

Ray forgot to be afraid, too busy chasing after his climax and then he was there: Sergi’s fingers digging hard enough to bruise his arse as he arched under Ray, all the world going white and electric for a moment. And then the sound of their panting breaths as he lay slumped on top of his mate.

“Fuck,” Sergi breathed out. It took Ray a moment to realise he was trembling slightly but when he tried to roll off him, Sergi clung to him. “Ray,” he said almost timidly. His hold went loose enough that Ray could have moved. He didn’t. “That felt… It was like it was the first time,” he said dazedly.

Ray was a bit out of it himself, but the words were too shockingly true to ignore. “Yes,” he said into Sergi’s ear and held back onto him. Because he wanted to. “It was.”

 

- Interlude over -

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